He’s got mail? ChannelSuperFun/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET
Technically Incorrect offers a slightly twisted take on the tech that’s taken over our lives.
The ultimate goal of wearable tech is to make you the gadget.
You know this, don’t you? You will be less human and more, well, a connected being. Part person, part robot.
Why, Google’s Ray Kurzweil says we’ll be hybrids by 2030.
Microsoft is clearly aware of this. Perhaps moved by neighbor Amazon’s allegedly draconian stance on the treatment of people — which Amazon denies — Microsoft has filed a patent application for a wearable that gives you a little electric jolt when you get a notification.
Published on Thursday, the patent application is titled: “Wearable computer having a skin-stimulating interface.”
Thin is the line between stimulation and, say, the stun-gun.
Still, the patent describes this magical computer like so: “Techniques are described herein that are capable of providing electrical stimuli to skin of a user to convey information to the user.”
A ping, it seems, just isn’t enough. You need to have skin in the game.
Therefore: “The electrical stimuli may inform the user of an event, a condition, etc. Examples of an event include but are not limited to receipt of a message (e.g., an email, an instant message (IM), a short message service (SMS) message, or a transcribed voicemail), receipt of an alarm (e.g., an alarm clock alarm or a warning), receipt of a phone call, occurrence of a time of day, etc.”
Some e-mails and texts already make me leap. To be made to leap before I’ve even read them is a very particular attempt at progressing the human race.
Microsoft wasn’t immediately available for comment about the potential of this stunning patent. However, the boffins who have stimulated this conception believe that the future will be very touchy-feely.
The application declares: “The electrical stimuli may inform the user of a condition of clothing that is worn by the user. The electrical stimuli may inform the user that a physical positioning of the user is to be changed.”
Bzzz. Turn right. Bzzz. Turn Left. Bzzz. Exterminate.
The patent actually offers examples of a shoe or a T-shirt that will give you a buzz when there’s something important. Or even something not important at all. Or when they need cleaning. Or when perhaps you do.
Twitterer @H0X0d first spotted this glorious application which was first filed in 2014. One of his or her interlocutors mused that the porn industry wishes it had thought of this.
Oh, but it has. Of course it has.