Anti-semitic, Trump-loving Russians battle with Bernie-hating Clinton acolytes
It was devastating.
It’s hard to imagine anyone surviving such a shocking revelation.
But they probably will of course.
Thanks to their connections, if you know what I mean.
What are we talking about? Take your pick because election season is upon us and everyone, absolutely everyone is up to no good and we must shout and yell and tweet and get outrageously angry at whoever is responsible for all of this.
First up: Putin
That Russian monster is personally responsible for the leaks of the emails from the Democratic National Committee’s (DNC’s) account.
Is he actually “Guccifer 2.0” – the hacker that did it? Probably not. No wait, yes, he probably is.
Trying to undermine the Greatest Democracy the World Has Ever Known by, umm, publishing people’s own emails.
And why did he do it – aside from being the embodiment of pure evil? Because he loves Trump! And Trump loves him!
Is Trump a secret Russian mole? No, that’s too far.
But hang on, maybe yes. We all hate Trump, everyone hates Trump, even the people that will vote for him as president, they hate him.
And that could be the majority of the United States’ population.
That’s a lot of hate.
And now Trump’s doing a deal with Russia.
First Trump says he won’t uphold Article 5 of the NATO treaty and then just a few days later, out come these emails. Quid pro quo, Clarice.
Except of course it’s all just made up.
Next up: Rooby Mook
Who claims it was the Russians that broke in? Clinton’s campaign head Robby “What’s a Mook” Mook, that’s who.
According to Mook: “Experts are telling us that Russian state actors broke into the DNC, took all these emails and now are leaking them out through these Web sites.”
Ah yeah, sure, “experts.” Very clever, trying to switch focus from the DNC screwing Bernie to Trump and Putin.
We’re not buying it.
And who are these experts anyway? Are they by any chance the same ones that said in June that they noticed strange activity on the DNC servers back in April and concluded they may have been hacked by Russia?
Or are they the ones that provided an in-depth analysis of the attacks and concluded the servers had been hacked by two Russian state-sponsored hacking groups?
Besides, aside from the fact that the hacker posted DNC files online several days after the DNC went public and said a huge trove of other information had been sent to WikiLeaks, who had even heard of Guccifer 2.0 and the DNC hack before last week? Certainly not us.
Of course, we are all playing into Hillary’s hands here, talking about Putin and Trump rather than the real villain.
That’s right: Debbie Wasserman Schultz
And take note of that last name: Schultz.
Sounds a bit… Jewish, doesn’t it? You know why? Because it is!
Now, we’re not anti-Semitic, but we know plenty of people that are and just like retired Lieutenant General Michael Flynn, who spoke at the recent Republican congress, we are not afraid of retweeting them!
In response to Mook’s outrageous attempt to deflect attention on CNN, one completely reasonable member of the public noted that the news network was also probably in on the conspiracy.
“The USSR is to blame!” surmised Saint Bibiana at the handle “@30PiecesofAG” whose profile pic is Andrew Jackson with a Trump “Make America Great Again” baseball hat.
But he knows that this time, no one is buying it, noting: “Not anymore, Jews. Not anymore.”
To be fair to Flynn, he later apologized saying he’d made a mistake.
After all, it was easy to mistake Saint Bibiana as a reliable source, what with the pic of a former US president an’ all.
What’s even worse is that Bernie Sanders is Jewish, at least a bit.
And one of the DNC’s plans to undermine him was to suggest that he wasn’t Jewish but was in fact: an atheist! (Well, that and the fact that his campaign was wildly disorganized and its supporters occasionally violent.)
Ah, you see.
It was the Jews! Undermining other Jews by suggesting they might not be Jews, but never actually going ahead with the plan, which wasn’t really a plan but a short email. Unbelievable.
Back to business
Hang on though! We’ve been taken off the track yet again.
The real villain remains Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a name so dark that it conjures up an image of fear mixed with hatred, at least it did the first time we heard it over the weekend.
As DNC chair, Schultz is supposed to be entirely neutral.
But she wasn’t! Instead she actively plotted against a man who was standing up to the status quo candidate.
In the era of partisan politics, it is unfathomable that the chair of the DNC would be biased against someone just because he had never been a member of the Democratic party and only announced in November that he would be, despite continuing to say with odd frequently that he was still an independent.
It’s worth noting that Schultz is also the finest ever chair of the DNC, as well as the absolute worst.
Obama – who, lest we forget, is a secret Muslim despite not being one – praised Schulz, saying she had “brought Democrats together not just for my re-election campaign, but for accomplishing the shared goals we have had for our country.”
Guess who else likes her? Hillary.
In fact she said Schultz was a “lifelong friend” and you know what that means.
It’s obvious, isn’t it? Yep, sure is.
Which of course brings us right back to the Putin-provided internal emails that show just how the DNC plotted against a man who wasn’t a Democrat to ensure he couldn’t win a victory that he wasn’t going to win, in order to help Trump and so enable Estonia to be taken over at some point in the future, maybe.
Just what did Schultz do – what is the smoking gun? In the end it was oh so simple.
When Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver was asked on CNN about the contentious Nevada race during which Sanders supporters had come under heavy criticism for threats and violence, he blamed the Democratic Party.
“The state party there has a lot of problems.
They’ve run things very poorly.
It has been done very undemocratically.
And there seems to be an unwillingness on the part of the Nevada democratic party to bring in all of the new people that Bernie Sanders has brought into the process,” he said, according to a transcript emailed to DNC staff, including Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
“If you read some of the reports from what went on there, the chair was clearly ignoring votes from the floor at the Clark county democratic convention in Nevada.
They tried to arrest their own credentials chair, because she was being too fair to the Sanders people.”
And what did Schultz say in response? “Damn liar. Particularly scummy that he barely acknowledges the violent and threatening behavior that occurred.” And then, just to compound it, she adds: ” We MUST issue a statement from me asap. Please forward a draft that is worded strongly.”
An outrageous response just because a campaign manager had accused the party of trying to fix the election. What’s more, in a later email, Weaver, with extraordinary precognition, indentifies the risk that Schulz poses, telling Politico: “Look, I gotta say it’s not the DNC. You know, by and large, people at the DNC have been very good to us.
Debbie Wasserman Schultz really is the exception.”
And what did Schultz say to that? Absolutely nothing. Yet more proof, as if it were needed.
And what price will Wasserman Schultz pay for undermining our very democracy and bringing the entire Democratic party into disrepute by standing up for her staff? Nothing.
Absolutely nothing except being made to resign just days before the Democratic convention and being told she won’t be allowed to oversee the proceedings, or give a speech.
Meanwhile, we can all thank WikiLeaks for making us aware of this tragedy of epic proportions.
And, most importantly, for publicly disclosing the personal details, right down to passport numbers and addresses, of over a thousand ordinary voters.
What’s more, WikiLeaks is unafraid of carrying out the same service for citizens all over the world, providing personal details of all adult women in Turkey in another data dump.
That’s all adult Turkish women.
This is truly democracy’s savior.
Tune in next week for more from the US presidential election goat rodeo. ®
Anti-semitic, Trump-loving Russians battle with Bernie-hating Clinton acolytes