Enlarge / Spoiler alert: there’s no Shepard without Vakarian. (credit: Bioware / EA)
I’m writing this story somewhat under duress, since we’ve just spent the last 20 minutes in the Ars Slack debating the wrongness of Polygon’s rank of the “most bangable aliens in Mass Effect.” That list posits (spoiler alert) that the drell are the most sexually desirable race in the Mass Effect universe, which is so wrong as to be a literal offense to God.
Everyone knows that the only correct choice for making the Rigellian laborbeast with two backs in Mass Effect is a turian—specifically, one special top-shelf turian named Garrus “Archangel” Vakarian—and the only reason you can’t bang Garrus as a dude Shepard is because the resulting bromance-romance would shake the pillars of heaven, and then the game would be over because what kind of finale could top that?
After I’d typed all that out, there was a momentary digital silence in the channel.
Then Ars editor Nate Anderson told me that I’d just volunteered myself to write a response, based on the fact that I seem to have the most experience with what Mass Effect aficionados refer to as “banging” (NSFW). I’ve played the original trilogy more times than the average bear, with at least 300 hours in each of the three games.
So pull up a chair, friend, and let’s talk about sex. Nasty, alien sex.
The innocent days: Mass Effect
“I like long walks on the dig site, acoustical Terran piano music, and unearthing the bones of ancient civilizations.”
Boy or girl, there’s only one choice in Mass Effect, and that’s Liara, the blue-hued monogendered omnisexual scientist with a love for all things Prothean and a thirst for all things Commander Shepard. Yeah, sure, if you’re timid, you could have picked Kaiden or Ashley, but who wants to date Carth Onasi II or Ashley the Space Racist?
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